Change You Can Believe Will Make You Pound Your Own Head Into A Table

Part I

Some things appear to be a good idea, for example; switching to decaf, using generic antiperspirant and buying the cheaper brand of dog food. Seems harmless enough. Then one day you're face to face with a pyramid of empty Red Bull cans, your cubicle smells like B.O. and your dog is crapping in your house. Let's face it; change isn't always a good idea.

Before my son's spring break last school year, my ex-husband called to tell me he thought our severely ADHD son should no longer be on medication and that we should, in his words, "take him off because of the side affects". Granted, his medication, like all medications has side effects. I too wish my child did not need medication to navigate through his busy day, but my ex-husband's idea gave me a very bad feeling. What he said was, "we should take him off his meds.", but I heard "Let’s each take a wire hanger, put 'em into them there slots in the wall and see what happens."

When my son was almost 4, his pediatrician had him evaluated by the school district for autism. It turns out,because I do not have a Master's in Psychology, but merely a Bachelor's it gave me just enough education to drive me insane thinking every little thing was a symptom of Autism. Because of his preterm birth, my son Jake and I had frequent visits to his pediatrician. While sitting in waiting rooms with my active guy, I saw others his age playing with their parents rather than attempting to dismantle the chair I was sitting in, as Jake would do. I brought toys, snacks and books, but nothing worked. We even had a special place to wait in his pediatrician’s office. Waiting with less stimuli made waiting rooms easier (for the other patients and their parents). Because of our frequent visits, sometimes more than once a week, Jake’s pediatrician saw this behavior and started preparing us for an ADHD diagnosis. She told us that he was young for medication, but it may be something we'd have to consider in the near future if he did not grow out of it. She eventually ordered an evaluation to rule out Autism. California has great programs for kids with special needs and the earlier the evaluation, the better. The school district psychologists agreed he had severe ADHD, not Autism. I was not surprised. ADHD runs in my family and because Jake was 2 months premature, it increased his chances of having it.

After Jake’s evaluation and diagnosis at age 3, I did everything I could to avoid medication. I tried every recommended behavior modification technique my pediatrician had in her arsenal. She had shared her son had ADHD and sympathized with our want to keep him off medication. Despite my efforts, I failed terribly. I say I failed because I was the one who implemented every suggestion while trying to work while my ex-husband worked longer hours. I was constantly picking him up early or having to go calm him down at pre-school during tantrums. After Jake was kicked out of his third preschool, there was one last preschool in town without a waiting list or large child to teacher ratio. It was a brand new school that had only been open a few weeks. I stopped by and spoke with the director. I was very upfront about Jake's behavior at his previous schools. She and her staff were very willing to work with our family to help Jake. They had a low ratio of four to one for Jake's age group and because it was a new facility, they did not yet have a large student population.

At his new pre-school, everyone worked hard with us to help Jake. The teachers on their break or even the director herself would come into his class at naptime and lay down with Jake until he would calm down enough to go to sleep. This allowed the teachers and aids to work undisrupted with the rest of the class. It was a short lived success. The meltdowns continued and he was starting to be a danger to other children because his tantrums were so out of control. These tantrums were not your run of the mill kicking and screaming. Although this was over four years ago, I can still see this look he would get during these fits. It was like he was looking at me, but he struggled to see me. I'll never know exactly what he felt, but when I looked at him while trying to calm him down, it was like looking at someone scrambling to hang onto the edge of a cliff, doing everything he could not to fall into the abyss. Because of the contractures of my hands, I had trouble holding onto him to keep him from hurting himself. In mid-tantrum as a last resort I would "wrestle him" to the ground and wrap him in a blanket. The weight of my body and the blanket would comfort him enough to calm down. This was too much for him to take. Keeping him off of medication now felt inhumane to me, so we finally broke own and got a prescription.

Success did not happen overnight. It took a while to get him up to the right dose. Eventually, this great kid and part time lost soul became a great kid who could adapt well to his environment. He started making friends at pre-school and napping instead of getting sent to the director's office or having to be picked up early from pre-school because of a meltdown. After the dust settled, the director of the school pulled me into her office. She knew how hard it was for me to go through with the decision to put Jake on medication, but she was expressed to me her relief as well. I will never forget her words, "I was in with him at naptime and he was calm for the first time. It was as if his mind had finally let go and allowed his body to relax." There were some tears and some hugging. I finally calmed down enough to leave her office. It wasn't the solution to our problems with ADHD; the medication was a tool to help his brain function properly.

Four years later, I expressed my concern about how bad an idea I thought taking Jake off his medication. (Wow that was a polite way to put it.) Jake was doing great in school. I did notice on non-school days, he needed some time to himself. He has separation anxiety issues left over from the divorce, but nothing that will not go away with time. I call it his peaking hour. I keep a 500 piece puzzle handy on the dinning room table and he'll wander over to it and occupy himself for at least an hour. He gets sucked into building Legos for hours at a time. He has friends who lived next door to us before we moved and they play well together. He has moments when he's grumpy, but I need my alone time every day and if I don't get it, I'm kind of a bitch. His behavior just seemed normal to me, but my ex was convinced he could manage off the medication and we should do it over Spring Break.

My ex was to have Jake for the 2 week spring break. After about 15 minutes of trying to reason with my ex-husband, I realized this crazy train was departing with or without me. I reluctantly agreed, but only under the supervision of Jake's pediatrician. My ex felt that he had a very strong argument and was not shy about telling me and my Bachelor's Degree in Psychology were no match for his friend's Master's degrees in Education and his semester of Child Development. I knew what would happen. My son's pediatrician is an MD, so I made an appointment.

This has taken a month to write so as to not sound live a revenge pice. It is not. This is at one sided account story of two parents who strongly disagree. Stay tuned for the conclusion.