Me, Myself and Viagra

Back in 1996, the results of an arteriogram had shown that the arteries of my thumb were completely closed. The only nutrition the tip of my thumb received was from retrograde blood flow from one vein. What started as a small sore on the tip of my thumb had became huge, gangrenous and black, which is how I got to have an arteriogram at age 25. At the time, there were two treatment options: digital sympathectomy or a sympathetic block. I opted for the digital sympathectomy. By the time I got to the VA Hospital four hours away, I was already in a percocet, and then morphine induced haze. The most invasive and drastic intervention appeared to be the most logical. I will never know if I made the right choice. I know it won't happen, but I still cling to some fantasy that one day I will wake up and the tip of my thumb will be back and I will have forgotten it was gone.

The biggest influence to have the procedure was a dangerous idea I would have normal hands back. It was the wish of 25 year old young woman in denial of what was really happening to her. A digital sympathectomy is a microscopic surgical procedure that removes sympathetic muscle tissue, the involuntary muscle tissue of “fight or flight” surrounding arterial walls of the hands. When the body gets cold, blood vessels and capillaries constrict to preserve the vital organs, such as the heart, lungs and digestive system. For a person without Raynaud’s, this is a gentle constriction, allowing some blood to flow. In extreme conditions without taking precautionary measure, the blood flow would eventually stop to the distal places such as fingers and toes causing frostbite and eventual tissue death. With Raynaud’s, sometimes just a slight drop in temperature can trigger this reaction to the cold as if the muscle tissue is on crack resulting in an ischemic or Raynaud’s attack. A Raynaud’s attack is the sympathetic nerves signaling muscle tissue surrounding blood vessels to over constrict where the Raynaud’s is more prevalent. It can be as obvious as fingers and toes or as stealth as the blood supply to part of the digestive tract. Fun right?

Back in 1996, Viagra was still in the very early stages of development. Fast forward to 2010, I take Viagra three times a day, plus Niphedepine once a day so I can keep blood flowing to my fingers and toes. But despite all the medication I have on board, my best defense is exercise. I still need the medication to maintain because my Raynaud’s is so bad. So why blog about it?

I feel very self-centered writing about my experiences. I want to share them and maybe they could be more interesting if I added some fiction and write in third person instead of first, but I don’t have time for all that. I want to get this information out so maybe someone who is having these symptoms can take the steps I didn’t. There are times I became so depressed and let denial rule my life and my weight dropped to 96lbs. I didn’t realize it, but I had stopped eating. I would have meals but I would only take a few bites. So, there it is. I’m self centered; I want people to learn from my mistakes. Mistakes that aren’t all mine. Mistakes my body continues to make at a cellular level that I have no control over. Blaming myself makes me feel like I have control, because once I relinquish the reigns, my ride is over. So I continue to convince myself my mistakes are not made in vain and I really do this to help others. But really, I want a cure, treatment or reversal of what is happening to me. Yes, all about me.