WTF-Ville

I have been told my whole life that God has a plan. That we are here on earth preparing for the afterlife and everything happens for a reason. As I child, I went to bed every night afraid I “would die before I wake”. Until I was twelve, I tucked in my four stuffed animals and would lay down between them and the wall in my twin bed. Maybe I thought angels would take my stuffed animals instead of me. I did the sign of the cross, and silently said an Our Father, Hail Mary, Act of Contrition and asked God to bless everyone I could think of. On days I got in trouble, I would say a rosary- which was usually every day. After years of soul searching, nights of drunken stupors, years of angry words and of course, spending the 4th grade with bat-shit crazy Sister Kathleen, I have come to the conclusion the plan is- there is no plan. I had to accept anything can happen and I live in WhatTheFuck?-ville, Planet Earth.

Ten years later in 1992, the first signs appeared. They asked if I got regular periods. Several doctors at Balboa Naval Hospital told me this was all in my head, that I drank too much caffeine and maybe I need to quit taking birth control pills, (because nothing is more hazardous than preventing pregnancy-right?). Then, in 1994 at the VA in Madison Wisconsin, I was diagnosed with Scleroderma. Three months later I could almost pronounce it and one year later I could spell it (Denial? -oh hell ya).

I was in nursing school at the time and one of my textbooks had an exquisite picture of what Scleroderma could do to my hands. Crying hysterically I called my ex-boyfriend. I think anyone who saw this picture would have found it horrifying. Today I look at my curled fingers and frozen hands and laugh about how my ex-boyfriend told me I was being paranoid.

I have been to dozens of doctors. I have been prescribed “homeopathic” and “Natural
Remedies”, only to have them make my condition worse. For some reason it felt empowering to go ‘off the grid’ of western medicine. It made me feel in control. Before moving to WhatTheFuck?-ville, I made Denial my home.

I don’t waste my energy on anger and have no time for depression. I gave up on bargaining. Denial is my greatest defense mechanism and acceptance is not an option. Every now and then one of the five stages of grief worm their way into my head. Fourteen years, is that too long to be in therapy? What’s the anniversary gift for 15?

I am told that God has a plan and everything happens for a reason. I disagree. If he does exist; he created us followed by a series of random events he thought he could control. That’s no plan- he’s just as confused as I am. If he does exist, we are most likely floats in a terrarium he keeps in his office where he resides in WhatTheFuck?-ville, Universe, where he sits at his desk and procrastinates about writing poetry. Just like me.

Additional Links: CREST Syndrome
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Left Behind

My train of though left without me this morning. So, I thought I would use this time to post some helpful links for Scleroderma.

Scleroderma.org

Become a friend to The Scleroderma Founadtion on Facebook

Scleroderma on FaceBook

There is a great tip on FB about Raynaud's and making meatloaf.

So check it out, learn something and have a great Monday!
-
Karen

PS: Behind on Christmas shopping? Shop at Avon Online and have it sent to you in days. (Spa bills people:-)

The Mark of a MILF

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Slacker

Not really a slacker. My 5 year old and I both have the flu. I was lucky enough to meet the criteria to get Tamiflu. (Thanks Scleroderma) So we get to stay home until we do not have a fever for 24 hours. At this rate we may return among the living Friday.
All this time I've been watching, "Planet Earth, Seas of Life", "Apollo 13", at least 32 hours of "Phineus and Ferb"and lots of Nick Jr. I'm liking the Yo Gabba Gabba. All the goofiness of being high without those pesky mind-altering side effects and I get to learn something- bonus.

Snacking On My Words

I had a great conversation with a friend about how everything happens for a reason. Well, those were his beliefs. I swore by the randomness of the universe and that it's way to big for anything to be planned or on purpose. Then, last Tuesday happened and it's casting a shadow of doubt on my skepticism. I still don't buy into the whole "things happen for a reason", completely, so it's more like I'm snacking on my words, rather than eating them.

The Tuesday following this conversation, I was rushing to beat a 5:00 deadline. I parked, grabbed my purse and locked my door. When I returned to my car, I found I had locked the keys inside. Now, anyone who owns a Prius knows it's impossible to lock your keys inside because the remote signal would prevent it. That statement is true, unless you are me. (breaking new ground again) My metallic purple Ipod case sat right on top of the cup holder with my keys inside. I reached into my purse for my phone when a blinking red light flickered in the corner of my eye. I looked in the direction of the blinking light through the window at my phone inside as it mocked me with every blink. I turned around to run back to the office to call my mom when I saw two HVAC guys. Having once been married to a mechanic, I knew they are like women with shoes about tools (pardon the stereotype. If I offended you, get over it please, thank you.) Correction: Mechanics and tools are like women and shoes- on crack. If they didn't have something to get my keys out- no one would.

They appeared happy to help. (Show me a mechanic who dosen't like the challenge of opening something unopenable and I will show you someone pretending to be a mechanic.) I stood in a daze and watched them use copper wire, something a little thicker than a coat hanger, vicegrips, chisels and a flashlight as they broke into my car MacGyver Style. Rather than marvel at how clever they were at the time, all I could think about was how late I would be picking up my son from daycare. My head was pounding from the thought of my baby daddy getting a phone call from the daycare center. My brain started playing a video of him telling his divorce attorney how I left my son at school while I was hanging out with MacGyver-ish mechanics in parking lots. Just when my stomach was about to chime in with nausea, the lock on my door released and my mom's car pulled into the parking spot next to my car. A loud "Mommy!!" boomed from the back seat.

It felt like a giant foot had stepped off my head. I thanked the mechanics. I had nothing appropriate to thank them with, so I handed them Avon catalogs and told them to call me for some free stuff for their wives.

Luckily, my mom decided to pick up my son. I decided to take them for dinner. My son loved the place because he could throw peanut shells on the floor and we had a great time.

Maybe the Universe was trying to tell me I needed to spend some more time with my mom. I don't know. That went just a little to well. I'm still skeptical, but maybe everything isn't so random- at least it didn't seem to be that Tuesday.

Karen

My Optometrist Rocks!!!!!

My day started out well. My son was enjoying his oatmeal. I had secretly replaced his cow's milk with soy. I had him with the oatmeal, but he wasn't buying the chocolate milk- too much vanilla. He is really too smart for his own good. (Fooling tips are soooo welcome) Overall it was a good morning until I put my contact lense in my eye. It crumpled into a ball and before the first profanity came out of my mouth, it disappeared behind my eye. For those of you who don't know, I have severe contractures of my fingers due to Scleroderma (I've explained it enough so just go to www.scleroderma.org and read about it). Instead of using my fingertips, I use the side knuckle of my right index finger to put in my contact lenses. My optometrist- who rocks by the way- loves it and likes to use me as example to his patients who wine about wearing theirs. (Normally, I don't like to be used as an example, but I have an ego to feed people.)

Back to my morning.... The last time this happened, I ended up scratching my cornea with my knuckle trying to find it. My optometrist, Dr. Mc Diarmid, had to create a new diagnosis name "Knuckle Scratched Corena", because most people scratch their corneas with their fingernails. (That's me- always breaking new ground) So this time, I did the only thing that could be done. I sucked it up, put in the other lense in my other eye and got my son to school- late, but I got him there. Lucky for us and those on the road that morning, I am used to driving one-eyed. Thanks to genetics, My Uncle Cosmo (rest his soul) and I have this thing where involuntarily our right eye slams shut, even while wearing sunglasses when it's really bright. I had crows feet at 18! I was going broke on eye cream until I started using Avon (shameless plug- don't judge- Mama has day spa bills to pay). I digress, just get used to it. So I dropped off my son and headed to Inland Eye Clinic, Dr. Mc Diarmid's office. They fit me right in. In less than 10 minutes, he examined me and with a Q-Tip and some yellow drops, he fished out my lense completely intact. I was happily released back into the wild with some tear thickening eye drops and my sight restored. My right eye is a little more yellow than usual, but I can see!!! Thanks Doc!
Asleep yet? That was my morning. Not to rave about Inland Eye Clinic, but there will be a later blog about how Dr. Phillips of that clinic, actually saved my life 5 1/2 years ago. I am so not exaggerating. I'll tell you about that one later.
Have a great Tuesday!
Karen

Scleroderma, Avon, Inland Eye Clinic

Dating Sucks

Okay, it sucks. I'm not the first or last to say it. I don't even know why I hate it-never mind, here's why I hate it. If I am myself, I am funny and smart. Around people I don't know I have to test boundaries with my humor because let's face it- I'm not always appropriate (shocking!). I think I am going to start drinking on dates. I'm going to start drinking before I even leave for a date. That will cover my inappropriate thing because I won't care. Problem solved!

As far as the date went, I was funny because 2012 provided an endless amount of ammunition for my one-liner cannon. Even a comment about vomiting in my purse got a laugh. I did enjoy watching John Cusack become unglued- but that's a left-over-eighties-crush thing. So I would like to say thank you to the makers of 2012 for giving me lots of material. -oh and my date was really nice too.

Karen

Jesus is Just Alright with Me

Now THAT makes sense!

Karen

Jesus is Just Alright with Me

That must be where the Holy Grail is located. While she was driving the boat she was drinking out of it and hit a big wake and if fell in the lake.

Tom

Jesus is Just Alright with Me

Maybe it was wood left over from a job he did. Waste not want not....
Maybe they did it while the tattletale was in Temple and Mary Magdaline took his spot on the boat.

Karen

Jesus is Just Alright with Me

He was poor and never would have never paid for the wood to make the wake board. Plus one of his disciples would had told on him any way.

Tom

Jesus is Just Alright with Me

Darwin and Jesus probably would've been fishing buddies. Maybe Jesus like to wake board too. He had enough apostles to row fast enough so he could easily get a up on a plank of wood shaped like a wake board. (he was a carpenter). Hmmmm....

Karen

Jesus is Just Alright with Me

I thought Darwin liked fish.

Tom

Jesus is Just Alright with Me

He did like to fish.

Karen

Jesus is Just Alright with Me

Karen, Did you say Jesus was a sailor?

Tom

Jesus is Just Alright With Me

Or freedom of religion for thise who don't believe Jesus is a Savior?
Just asking.

Karen

Jesus is Just Alright with Me

What happen to the separation of religion and state?
Tom

Where the Hell is ET?

Sorry. ET is over here. He stopped by last night and we had some pizza and watched the Notre Dame Game. Things got a little outta hand. He fixed all my dead plants and drank all my Blue Moon until he crashed on my couch. As soon as he gets out of the shower, I'll send him right over. He crashed his bike last night, so I'm loaning him mine. Make sure he brings it back!

Karen

Where the Hell is ET?

Where the hell is ET when you need him? My @#$@ing wrist hurts!!