As early as the first grade, boys chased me to kiss or grab me against my will. When I told my parents, it was always answered with, "Well, that's because he likes you." Luckily, my family moved a lot, so I had to run from this guy every recess for only the entire year of first and half of second grade. The playground adults did nothing. I probably never asked because my family wouldn't listen to me, so why should they.
I know the "Man or Bear?" topic was one hundred what-the-fucks ago, but better late than never.
Last year, I did a show at a local venue. Before the show, I was sitting quietly, writing in my notebook, as I do before I get in front of an audience. I pretended not to notice when I heard someone pull out the chair next to me and sit down. It was still early, and the room was pretty empty.
“Hi, Karen.”
I looked up and found a stranger chewing potato chips and smiling at me. I politely said hello, thanked him for coming to the show, and returned to my notebook.
He tried to start a conversation without introducing himself. I told him I needed some time before my show. He asked me more questions, so I got up and went to talk with another comedian. After I saw he was no longer sitting down, I returned to my seat, grabbed my notebook, moved a few tables back, and went back to writing.
The next thing I knew, the smiling, eating potato chips guy transformed into Crazy Yelling Man, faster than The Hulk. He demanded I talk with him. I think I even apologized, and he yelled even louder, “Oh, so that's how you're going to be? I came to see your show, and you won’t even talk to me!’
I was at work. Stand-up comedy is my job. I would never show up at someone else’s work and insist they talk to me. I would never go to his payday loan company, demand his attention, and scream at him for focusing on his job. I would at least wait until his customer, who was experiencing hard times, leaves. I'm a lady, god dammit.***
His behavior was frightening and disorienting. After the first few sentences, the rest of his words became noise. A talent I developed in my childhood to get through whatever trauma was in play. I kept staring at my notebook until he, thankfully, stormed off.
About three months later, I was sitting in LA traffic and had a flashback to the Crazy Yelling Man incident and suddenly remembered who he was. The guy at my show was someone I had been on a date with six months ago.
We had only one date; then he called the following week to tell me how nice he was for not ghosting me,
And he could not be with someone who had medical problems like mine. Which worked out because I lost interest when he played Kid Rock on the way home from our date.
People go on only one date all the time and never see or speak to each other again. To be fair, many have stayed on my mailing list, and men I have only gone on a date with have come to my shows. Non-narcissists would be polite enough to come and talk after the show, understanding I might not recognize him.
So, if you are upset women prefer to spend time with a bear that will do one of two things; kill us or leave us alone if we curl up into our notebooks and play “dead” than a man we don't know with a capability range between unsafe and unimaginable terrors upon us, you’re part of the problem.
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** The old joke was, “I’d never show up at your job and tell you how to suck a dick," but that's outdated and offensive. Sex Work is a noble vocation. Predatory lenders are scumbags.
